Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Class of 2017

Well Hello World!
 


 
  It has been so long since I have dusted off my keyboard + commenced writing a blog post. In all honesty it was because I needed a break from blogging. I know that sounds silly, + it's not that I don't love blogging! But, due to my current health it's made it hard to post on what I normally do.
 


Update on Health: My doctors are still scratching their heads at my unknown case of bad health. There has yet to be any improvement or answers, but I know that everything is happening in God's perfect timing.
 


Update on Fashion: I still love fashion but I enjoy just choosing to wear whatever I want instead of telling people what I wear or how they should wear clothes.
 


Update on Food: I'm still cooking + trying new recipes but my soul food of late is coffee + apples, and that doesn't exactly make the worlds most exciting blog post. ;) 
 


Update on Adventures: I'm still having many + one of them I'm about going to divulge in by telling you all about today!  


   I graduated from high school!
 
 
 I still can't even believe that it has happened as it still feels a little surreal.
Now that I am done with school, I'm sure you are asking "What are my plans?"


My plans are;
  •   To take the SAT on June 3rd ( please pray! I'm super nervous! )
  •   Continue to teach/take Algebra I + II with my younger brother + work on being able to  efficiently write good papers throughout the summer while reading lots!
  •   Take a trip to the East Coast iN 18 DAYS AND COUNTING!!!
  •   Teach myself how to longboard dance.
  •   Attend Everett Community College in the fall of this year.
I'm so excited for what this coming year will hold for me spiritually, mentally, + physically!


 
 Since I have been homeschooled all my life, my graduation ceremony/party was a low-key event at our house on Saturday, May 20. I was so very blessed by the outcome of people who came to support + celebrate such a milestone with me! ( My grandma and one of my cousins was even able to make it out for the day! )
 


 
My siblings + parents helped me decorate our house in pastel rainbow colors, gold glitter + bistro lights. It was a dream come true!
 




 
When everyone had arrived, my parents presented me with my diploma + tassel, + I then proceeded with my speech. I remember hearing about a friend giving her testimony at her high school graduation as her acceptance speech, + it has always stuck out to me. When wondering how I would write my speech, I felt like Jesus was telling me I needed to tell my testimony. Which was honestly a terrifying thought! But I realized that I shouldn't have anything to hide about what God has done in my life. So without further ado, here is not only my acceptance speech but also testimony.

"First off, I think I should mention that I’m not overly fond of public speaking, so please bear with me if I stutter or look sick to my stomach. Now some of you might be wondering why I’d give a speech if the process is so terrifying to me? Funny, but I’m beginning to wonder the same thing! In all seriousness though, I personally believe that by giving a speech it respectfully acknowledges and honorably thanks everyone who has been part of my upbringing. As I was thinking through the venture of writing my speech, I tried to think of ways to add in respect and honor not only to my parents but also to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As I asked God to show me how to portray that, the idea of giving my testimony kept popping into my head. Whether you see me every day or only once a year, hearing what God has done in my life to mold me more into a likeness of Him, will tell you more about me as a person than any acceptance speech ever could.
   I was blessed to be born into a Christian home on December 14th 1998. From an early age I can remember hating how much I sinned and being convicted but not being willing to change my heart. I knew I was a sinner and the idea of death scared me as I was unsure what would happen when I left earth. I had many doubts, fears, and questions but because I lived in a Christian home I assumed I should have it all together, thus I never said anything. I thought it was wrong I even had these questions and doubts so I brushed them away and tried to concentrate on living a happy, carefree life, devoid of depressing thoughts and sadness at the thought of death without a home in heaven. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to become a child of God, or even that I liked sinning, but I misunderstood that just because one lives in a Christ-centered home it does not automatically make you a Christian. Even though I could act like I was one with the upbringing I had, deep down I knew it was all false. I lived in a constant torment until my elder brothers decided to get baptized. They were ready to make a public declaration that they were children of God. I wanted that too; that reassurance of salvation and love for God. I asked to get baptized but our pastor, thinking me not quite ready, suggested my parents talk things over with me. One bright and sunny Saturday morning my parents casually brought up the subject of baptism in hopes of hearing my thoughts. I simply broke into tears. I was so scared to get baptized because I knew deep down it was a lie to proclaim I was a follower of Christ when Jesus wasn’t truly in my life. My testimony is this simple because on that day, bawling little 10 year old me happily and humbly, accepted Christ into my life. But, my story is far from over. I did get baptized, and for the right reasons, 3 years later. But just because I was now saved did not mean I was pure and blameless. I still lived in a torment as I wondered what life after death would be like. All we do in heaven is praise God? But how is that fun? What is it like? How can I be happy doing such a mundane thing for eternity? All these thoughts left me feeling even more like a sinner for thinking heaven would be boring! I may have accepted Christ into my life but I didn’t work or want an ongoing and faithful relationship with Christ and thus stupid questions like those and others were always at the back of my head and often left me with an upset state of mind. I wanted to be saved so I knew I wouldn’t go to hell, but choosing to give God my life was out of the question. Along the time I got baptized my life was starting to drastically change as some health issues that began when I was 10 were starting to escalate. I assumed I was a healthy human being and didn’t like to complain so I didn’t bring up my bad health, just like I never told anyone the fears and doubts I was battling in my mind. Eventually, I started believing the lies in my head, and I decided I wasn’t good enough for life or even heaven. In January of 2016 I decided life was too big of a burden to carry on my shoulders. I wrote a note and made a resolution and just as I was about to end my life, God sent angels. One of them was my mom, who unknowing of the thoughts racing through my mind on that terrible morning, hugged me close and told me she loved me. I was saved from making the worst decision of my life, but instead of turning to God and praising Him and repenting, I turned to myself and started self harming my body. My health grew worse physically and mentally. I was so unhappy on the inside! I thought I was nothing but a burden and a nuisance and suicide was always in the back of my mind. I had a wakeup call when a close friend told me it was selfish and wrong to take my life. I didn’t understand that! I started to do a lot of reading and realized that it’s wrong because God tells us in the Bible “Thou Shall Not Murder” which is one of the 10 commandments. To commit suicide is to kill of self, to murder yourself. Okay so I now understood why it was wrong but why selfish? This one has been harder to come to understand, but it’s my belief that it is selfish because it all comes down to what WE want. As a sinful race, all we can selfishly think about is ourselves, and how to make OUR life better and easier. But WE weren’t put on earth, or created to please ourselves. WE were put on earth to bring praise and glory to GOD; to worship the one, true King of Kings, and to solely love Him. Life isn’t about us. It’s about God, and proving His existence. WE are lost sinners who are imperfect and broken, but God is pure and whole. God sent his Only Begotten Son down to earth, to die a cruel death on a cross so that our sins would be washed away. EVERY sin has been forgiven! The sin that is done in public or secret, the small and big, our past and future! God has forgiven it all! And what can we give Him in return? We are not worthy enough to even stand in the sight of such a Holy God, and now we have this debt owed to Him!? But all He asks is that we recognize the wrong we have, repent of it, and become a follower of Christ. It is humbling, that a God so Great, would want me to be a part of His Heavenly Kingdom Plan. Me, a broken and sick human being has been given a second chance in life. I’m not really sure when I came to this realization or developed my now true and deep love for Christ. I think God has been slowly and surely shaping me to become His own for the last two years now. All I can say is that I am thankful. Thankful that God did not give up on me but also for the people in my life who never gave up on me. I know that I am changing and for the better, because instead of a fear of death, I look forward to a life with Christ with expectancy. I feel like I count down the days till I can praise God every day and live in His presence, pure and blameless. I can’t wait to meet my Maker and my King, and yet no matter how hard or long the days are, He is keeping me on earth for a reason even more spectacular than I could ever fully understand!
     Today, my heart is full of gratitude. Gratitude for all of you here today who exist in my life and the blessing it is that you’re all here to celebrate this true milestone in my life. Gratitude for my parents and siblings who have loved me through it all, who have encouraged me when I felt hopeless, lost and when I was ready to give up on life, and for loving me despite my many flaws and faults. But most of all my heart is full of love and gratitude toward my Lord God, and Maker, who has given me a second chance, and is merciful to forgive me. His mercies are new EVERY morning! I’m still living with ongoing health struggles, and I’m not exactly 100% sure what I want to pursue in life. But, I do know that life is an Adventure and God will guide me safely and surely to the end. Some of you know that I use the Latin phrase “Carpe Diem” as my tagline and words to live by. And it is my constant prayer that I would Seize the Day for Christ, and live every moment serving and loving my Maker."
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Before May 20th, only a select few people knew of my suicidal and harmful past. My own parents I didn't even tell until recent months. Suicide + attempts at it were a common struggle in my life for almost 2 years, + yet thanks to God, I no longer struggle with wanting to end my life or harm my body! Telling my testimony on Graduation Day was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I felt like I obeyed Jesus by doing it. I do still struggle with getting depressed, anxiety, + stress, but I also have been learning what are triggers + knowing how to combat those awful feelings + thoughts.
We had planned on having dancing at the party, but after my speech there wasn't much of a chance to break away from the crowd. In the long run though, I was okay with it. Having people talk to me + tell me how much they were blessed by hearing my testimony was so humbling. (It almost made me break into tears all over again! I was just a little bit of a crying mess during my speech. ) There were many hugs, deep conversations + laughter as the night wore on. People blessed me greatly with generous + sweet gifts, but most of all I was blessed by the friendships I have + by the people who took the time to take the drive on out to my home + celebrate such a momentous day with me.  
I have had a LOT of people saying how much they miss my blog posts, + also wishing for me to post on my trip to the East Coast when I return. I won't make any promises, but hopefully I can get back into the swing of blogging. ( I also am thinking of changing up the look of my blog a bit,  but we'll see how it goes. )
 Until next time fellow bloggers, + dear readers, I'm sending you all love from the bottom of my heart! I want you all to know how grateful I am for all of you in my life, + how each + everyone of you has somehow helped to shape, change + save my life. Please don't ever under estimate the hugs you share, the "Hello's" you say, or the smiles you give to me or anybody.